Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Every breath you take...

One of the most popular 80’s pop classics, “Every breath you take” Sting often made me wonder: Is it really a song of love? Or of resentment and an obsessive need to possess?

If you listen with close attention, “Every smile you fake, every vow you break, I’ll be watching you...” actually speaks of possessiveness and resentment.
“Can't you see you belong to me...” is like knitting a slowly capturing net where the strings tighten around you, without you realizing it.

I feel that a little show of possessiveness is attractive. It is heart warming and makes you feel sweetly belonged and cosseted. Only when it surpasses the parameters that it turns venomous and intolerable.
But who decides the parameters? When do you realize that your partner is trespassing your personal boundaries?
In my personal experience, either we realize it too late, or unwittingly become an accomplice to a vicious circle of an intrusive love, and more often than not find it impossible to break the claustrophobic ties.

My partner loves me a lot. He adores me to the hilt. So much so that he hates it if I am away from his sight for more than half an hour. He insists that I tell him the details of every hour spent away from him. He says that he can’t bear to be away from me even for a minute and sulks if I smile at another man, or appreciate another man’s sense of dressing, humour, intelligence or whatever. He wants me to meet only those he approves of. Dress up the way he wants. He says it all with an expression of wounded adoration in his eyes.... and it turns my heart into water. I feel lousy for feeling annoyed at his probing questions. I feel guilty about the indignation that had raised its head a while ago...

As this song by Sting goes, “I am watching you”- when a pair of puppy eyes follow your every move, then instead of feeling seen, heard or loved, you just feel - watched!

These words ‘watching you’ sounds eerie in a relationship. Who wishes to be constantly under a scanner? It doesn't feel like love. It feels like a barbed threat.
And come to think of it, there is a warning hidden somewhere in this game of 'I spy'. It is a warning for you to pack up and scoot, before it turns into a noose where you would be flailing your arms and feet and finding it impossible to come out, and to break free!

On the other hand there are often such situations,when breaking up is not always easy. The danger lies quietly here:

Since I find the breaking up so difficult, I compromise. I feel that by compromising with the situation I have resolved a conflict. I have made adjustments for the 'higher good' of a relationship.
You know, the usual things...children, society, financial issues, love for the partner, even great sex.
I feel miserable and frequently incensed, but I quietly let it pass. Every jealous tantrum of my partner is covered up by guilty pledges. I actually have no idea that I have gone for the last resort and the most uncreative one in a relationship - compromise!I do not realize that compromise is actually an agreement to put myself through constant dissatisfaction and unhappiness, and I have done exactly that. I have missed the abusive streak, the underlying, simmering resentment of my partner. His overriding self-interest in the garb of "intense love".
I have bargained to vacillate between love, dislike, hatred, anger and acceptance...And sad but true, I have stopped loving myself...

But, all is not lost. It never is. If you and I have gone through situations similar to what I have just spoken about, then just remember:
"It is never too late in life and fiction to revise."


Basque-Land said...

Hmmmmmm. I always liked the tune so much, I didn't pay attention to the words but the words for me mean damaged trust. When trust is damaged in a relationship which is what I thought this song was about, it makes one wary and more vigilant of their partner's behavior; however, "Can't you see you belong to me", is kinda creepy. I like how you describe "intrusive love". And most important, even if we compromise for awhile and that "girdle" chokes us; we can take it off and revise, rewrite, and re-invent ourselves.....when we are ready. Thank you for this very thought provoking writing. p.s. I believe we always decide our parameters whether it is conscious or not.

Nazia Mallick said...

Thank you Rozanna for your astute observation to my post!

I believe TRUST is relationship.
"If you don't trust me, then where is the relationship?"

Yes, I agree, we all have the power to choose, whether to stay or to go. That is why I spoke about self love, it is when we stop loving ourself and stop believing in our self, when the other takes over and maneuvers our emotions...

Basque-Land said...

This is a bit off this subject and more about a blog you wrote that is showing on my feed called "Perfume....." and it won't open or says it is not there. Is this just a oops. Looked interesting.

Nazia Mallick said...

Hey Rozanna, thats okay:)

Actually I maintain two sites, "abyss" for my senseless outpourings:)and the other one for articles, essays, reviews on various subjects.

I posted "Perfume" by mistake on this site.But then transferred it to the other site.

However, you can check this out here:

Saima said...

The subject accentuated here is the most taken for granted one by both the genders for several reasons. Generally the women are raised with an embedded feeling in them that they are nothing without a man and when a man, any man chosen for her, takes her responsibility, he believes that he "owns" her for life. And the poor girl moves from one incarceration to another.
Secondly, the insecurities from the past of the man sometimes makes him behave overly-possessive for his girl that she is taken as an owned object instead of being a human with a head & heart.
Well, thousands of pages can be written on this theme and still it would require a lot of pains to let the story be heard of the fair sexed. I believe "TRUST" is the foundation and the chief ingredient of the recipe of a successful relationship. I would like to state a quote of mine over here, "If you don't trust me, I have nothing to untrust you!"
Compromise is a woman's second name but men exploit the both, women and their gifts. If the woman has to accept that exploitation then must go deaf n dumb on life while serving her "master". Otherwise, should not think of escape but freedom as in escape you always remain a prey to be hunted down anytime anywhere again but freedom will earn you a new life and free flight.
Whatever the case may be, the men and women ought to be educated for understanding and respecting their personal and others' precincts, believing in the rule of "live and let live!" Self-awareness towards self-actualisation is the journey of our lives.

Aapa! I really appreciate you for picking up the subject and floating it for the public opinion. I hope my thoughts and words would be useful enough for your write-up. My best wishes and prayers are with you. Do let me know if anymore of my opinions are ever needed.


Nazia Mallick said...

Sam, Thanks a lot for elaborating on this article.

I am sure your very astute observations and personal views regarding the subject will strike a cord with other readers.
I appreciate the fact that you have added many dimensions to my humble article.

Thank you very much.


Last night you wrote your sonnets in  Braille: the commas, parenthesis, ellipses engraved perfectly on my skin- and  I  ...